Avoid Sending Children

 ## **MEMORANDUM**

**TO:** All Floor Managers, Middle-Management Imps, and Sector Supervisors

**FROM:** Executive Office (The Sub-Basement)

**DATE:** Friday the 13th

**SUBJECT:** *URGENT:* Human Resource Procurement Protocol (Read or Burn)

Team,

We need to talk about the latest directives that just bubbled up from the big boss downstairs. Satan—sorry, *Mr. Morningstar*—is on a absolute warpath. The sulfur fumes in the elevator this morning were thick enough to melt a skeleton, and frankly, we don’t have the budget to re-flesh any more of you this quarter.

He was very, *very* specific about the upcoming harvest. Please commit the following mandate to memory:

> ### ⚠️ **OFFICIAL DIRECTIVE: TRY TO AVOID SENDING CHILDREN.**

> Sending minors down the chute is going to severely upset the non-aggression agreement we have with the guys upstairs. Management does *not* want another celestial HR audit. The last time a Cherub filed a grievance, we had to endure three centuries of mandatory workplace sensitivity training, and nobody wants to hear Michael from Accounting talk about "mindful flaying" ever again.

> 

### **The Revised Harvesting Protocols**

Since toddlers are officially off the menu, we need to pivot our strategy. To meet our Q3 agony quotas without triggering a holy war, please strictly adhere to the following operational updates:

 * **Target Selection:** Focus heavily on the **18-to-35 demographic**. They are stressed, sleep-deprived, and their blood has a much higher caffeine content, which keeps the torment-engines running smoothly.

 * **The "Oops" Clause:** If a child *accidentally* trips into a meat-grinder portal during a routine haunting, you must return the soul immediately. Do not try to sneak them into the bone-foundry. The Big Boss *will* notice. The Big Guy upstairs has omniscience; we don’t need Him breathing down our necks over a rogue toddler.

 * **Visual Presentation:** The Boss wants *spectacle*. If you are processing an adult soul, don't just do a standard cardiac arrest. We need pizzazz. Think fountain-style arterial sprays, dramatic rib-cage snapping, and cinematic jaw-dropping (literal jaw-dropping, please ensure the tendons are thoroughly severed).

### **A Quick Breakdown of Allowed vs. Prohibited Targets**

| Target Category | Status | Consequences of Violation |

|---|---|---|

| **Corporate Lawyers** | ✅ Highly Encouraged | Double bonus points; they practically slide down the chute themselves. |

| **Influencers** | ✅ Approved | Great for morale; makes excellent fertilizer for the Blood Gardens. |

| **Teenagers (18+)** | ✅ Approved | Just make sure to check their IDs. We don't want any "fake ID" incidents like the 1692 Salem mishap. |

| **Toddlers / Kids** | ❌ **STRICTLY PROHIBITED** | **Immediate demotion to the Lake of Fire.** Do not pass Go. Do not collect souls. |

> 📢 **A Note from the Big Boss Himself:**

> *"Look, guys. I love a good rib-cage orchestra as much as the next archdemon. But we have a treaty. If I see one more glowing, innocent child-soul floating around the Obsidian Lobby, I am personally going to feed the supervisor responsible to the Hellhounds. Let’s keep it messy, let’s keep it gory, but for the love of Me, keep it legal."*

Let’s get out there, market some terror, rip some spines, and keep our operations entirely restricted to consenting, miserable adults.

Stay wretched,

**HR Department 

*The Ninth Circle*